Am I ready for that much committment?

Oh my house.

How I wish it would sell. That would take so much stress away from me. Trying to figure out the logistics of moving in with Mr. Chocolate, its just craziness.

We’re going to be setting up a joint account to pay for household needs – bills, groceries, repairs. But at the moment I still have my regular mortgage payment & bills at my house. And in 3 months I’ll have my student loans come do.
My house is currently on the market to be sold. I’ve talked to my realtor about lowering the price, changing the description, and setting up a realtor open house to get some foot traffic in there. Her contract expires in just a couple weeks; maybe a month. I feel horrible that if after a couple weeks of that realtor open house if there is still no interest, I do believe I’m going to pull it from her & sign with a different realtor.

I spoke with Mr. Chocolate about this. I had mentioned just renting it if it hasn’t sold (or at least under contract) by the time my student loans come due. Give me some money. Take the load off my bills. He told me to keep it on the market. I kept trying to explain to him that if my house stays on the market then I cannot contribute towards the house hold fund. That I’d be lucky to pay ANYTHING at all towards the house. He, again, told me to keep my house on the market. That if I really wanted to be out from under my house then I need to keep it on the market. And his words – “I will help support you. Don’t worry about putting money towards the house until your house sells.”
Wait. What? You’ll support me?

1) I don’t know that I’m ok with this. I know that sounds dumb. I should be ok with this. If we’re really going to make a life together, I should be ok with this. But it scares me more than anything. What if it takes MONTHS for my house to sell? What if 6 months from now its still on the market?

2) I don’t know that I’m ready for that much commitment. Again, I know it sounds dumb. But that’s a huge deal. A massive deal for him to offer. And for me to accept. Am I ok with that? I’d be able to pay my own bills. But I couldn’t pay anything towards the house. I can keep it clean and coupon to save my life. But that will be about it. I can’t do much else if I don’t have any extra money. And that scares me. What if he gets tired of paying for everything? How long will that take?

Ugh. Relationships make my head hurt.

Holy Toledo Batman!

Ok, so I’m AWFUL when it comes to updating this bad boy.

I think I ignore when I really don’t want to be honest about what’s going on in my life. Because I do want to be honest on this blog. I want it to be my place to turn to when things are crazy, or crazy good.

So since it’s been a while, let’s just lay it all out on the table! Here are my confessions of the past 2 1/2 months.

1) I took diet pills. I did. I know, awful. Why would I do such a thing?? And even worse, I started taking them AFTER I rejoined WW. I had great success with WW while I was taking them. I was down just over 10 pounds. Then I stopped taking them. They made me feel funny after about 5 weeks on them. Fluttery almost. They also made my BP rise. I wasn’t cool with that. So I stopped them. The first week off, I gained some weight. The next week the scale was back down. I realize I CAN do this on my own.

2) I gained back all my weight. Yeah, you heard me. I just told you I took diet pills and lost like 10 pounds. Gained week 1 off of them and then lost week 2 off of them. Yeah, well, then life got crazy. I got emotional. I stopped caring about what to eat, how much to eat, if even if I ate. And then vacation. Oh vacation, it was glorious. I went back to my meeting last night, I held my head up high, I told my leader I knew the damage on the scale, and I accepted it. All of my weight back. Plus .2 pound. It’s weight. It will come back off. This time without the help of diet pills.

3) I broke up with Mr. Chocolate. It sucked. It was awful. It felt like I was ripping out my own heart & stomping on it. I drank too much wine. I ate too much chocolate. And pizza. And pasta. And whatever else I wanted to eat while grieving, because the desire to eat didn’t happen often. I wanted more out of our relationship. Mr. Chocolate, however, wasn’t ready to say he did also. He was happy how we were. He liked our relationship. I couldn’t do it. I was afraid he would never want more with me. After 3 1/2 years he didn’t, what was going to change? I walked away. Crying like a baby.

4) I went on vacation!! Oh, glorious, wonderful, vacation. I drank too much. I ate too much. I explored a different country. I flirted. I danced. I swam with the fishes and flew through the air. Did I mention I ate and drank too much? Yeah, that’ll happen.

5) I got back together with Mr. Chocolate. So apparently 2 weeks apart made him realize he was being a pansy and our relationship needed to move forward. He admitted that the idea does scare him, but the idea of not having me around scares him more. He told me he realized that we did live together, and that he didn’t want it to be “his” home anymore, he wanted it to be “our” home. He wants to settle down with me. Have little blonde haired, blue eyed babies (I hate to break it to him, those are resistive traits. So if I have anything to it they’ll be dark haired. But poor things will be fair skinned as they come!) He told me that I am “the one”. We made up.

6) I recommitted to WW. Again. Yeah, so what? Don’t judge me. I have been going to meetings. I haven’t actually stopped doing WW. (Well, minus the weeks of break-up and vacation.) But yesterday I went back to my meeting. I bought healthy foods. I planned. I cooked. And I’m going to do this. With diet and exercise. Not with diet pills.

Le Sigh

So, yesterday. Let’s just talk about that.

I tucked my tail between my legs. I walked in. I admitted defeat. And I was met with open arms and all the support in the world.

What am I talking about? Well going back to Weight Watcher meetings of course!

I really did feel like a failure when I walked through those doors. Like I was admitting defeat.

Failure-is-not-falling-down-but-refusing-to-get-up

 

But then I realized this. And how true it is. I’m not a failure because I’m doing this again. I’m succeeding because I’m not willing to give up. I will get the weight back off. I will be happy with myself again.

And actually I took a lot out of the meeting last night. I used to hate going to the WW meetings. They were “a waste of time” and “I already know how to do this” type of thing. Last night, it was the same – I do know how to do this. I know how to handle a stressful situation and what works for me – but that being said, what works for me is why I’m going back to WW meetings in the first place. The stress eating, the wine nights with the ladies to decompress after a long day, the “grab & go” food (which is usually pizza). It’s why I had to go back. So really, do I know how to do this?

They also talked about finding an anchor. Something that means something to you to help keep you focused when things get crazy.

Mine is a picture. It was already the screen saver picture on my phone. It makes me smile whenever I look at it. Its a picture of myself and Mr. Chocolate. Back when I was thinner. We’re both smiling, happy. I was happy with the way I looked and felt. That picture. That’s my anchor. That’s where I want to get back to.

I want to be that happy confident woman he met & fell in love with. Not just for him, but even more for myself.

WIM + New Recipe + Weekend Review

So, can’t we just skip right over my WI post? As I’m sure you noticed, I didn’t post yesterday. For good reason.

Last week: 230.0
This week: 235.6
Change: +5.6

Yeah. Bad.

Don’t judge me. My weekend was filled with lots of food. Lots of celebrations. And lots of travels. It was bad. I could have made much better choices, but I didn’t. I ate with reckless abandon, and it was yummy. And delicious. And other than the scale, worth every bite. The scale will come back down. It sucks that this puts me so much further away from kicking butt in my weight loss competition at work, but I’ll get back down. Just have to work that much harder at menu planning & working out.

So, the celebration part of this weekend. It was partly for mother’s day weekend, because all mothers need to be celebrated. And largely my graduation weekend. Because, that’s just awesome! I finally made it through college. I have a Bachelor’s of Business Administration and a GPA of 3.800 even. I’ve never been more proud of myself. Now… just need to find myself a job to use this shiny, new degree.

And menu planning. Ugh. I’m horrible at it. I need to get better. So I’ve created some recipes and a pretty broad idea of what I’ll be packing for lunches next week. I think I’m going to make myself a crustless quiche of some kind for breakfasts. Pair that with some coffee and a piece of fruit. Yogurt for my morning snacks. Probably some chicken & salad combo for lunch. Cheese stick & veggies for snack. And dinners. Oh the dinners. I’m thinking parmesan tilapia paired with quinoa & veggies one night. Salmon with veggies & a sweet potato. Quinoa shrimp stir fry. And, what I’m most looking forward to, pizza!! I want to make a pesto pizza with chicken, artichoke hearts, feta, & sun dried tomatoes. Oh I can’t wait to have that bad boy.

And speaking of recipes! I made some bangin’ burgers last night. Mr. Chocolate has informed me that I’m usually in charge of burger making. Such a good dinner I had to stop him from eating my leftovers!

I bought some pre-pattied burgers and sprinkled them with a burger seasoning on one side. The other side I brushed with teriyaki sauce. Once the burgers were cooked through I heated up some pineapple slices in teriyaki sauce. I also mixed some sirrachi with light mayo for them. I topped my burgers with a sliced of grilled pineapple, sirrachi mayo, & a slice of pepperjack cheese. SO GOOD!!

I paired all of this with roasted broccoli & tater tots.

I don’t think Mr. Chocolate believes the meals I cook for him are actually healthy. Whatever.

WIM + T25

Last Week: 229.0
This Week: 230.0
Change: +1.0

I figured I would have a gain this week. I mean, come on, 6.4 pounds in one week was just too good to be true. And I knew that. I also knew that I was starting up a new workout routine and I was on my period. So having only a 1 pound gain, that’s awesome.

And speaking of that new workout routine, Whew. It’s a butt kicker. But that being said, it’s an amazing workout. I haven’t worked out this hard in a long time. And it feels good. I’m sweating like crazy when it’s done. My limbs are exhausted. My whole body is exhausted. But I love it. And I feel accomplished once I’ve completed my workout. That being said, I can already tell, in just week two, that I’m able to do more than I was last week. Both Week 1 and Week 2 started off with the Cardio disk. I’m able to do some of the moves better than I could last week. I’m also able to do them for longer. I am still following the modifier for some things, I’m also modifying my own and going somewhere between the regular workout and the modifier. And it seems to be working very well for me. I can’t wait to continue with the T25. I plan on continuing with the Alpha version until I can do all the moves 100% for the full 25 minutes. And that may take me longer than the 5 weeks suggested, I may end up repeating a few weeks. That’s ok with me. I want to be able to give Beta my all when I start it, and that’s going to take some building up.

Today’s Menu:

B: Quest bar, grapes, coffee – 5
S: Greek yogurt – 3
L: Turkey sandwich, apple, cottage cheese – 8
S: Cheese stick – 2
A: T25 Wk 2 D 1
D: Salmon, roasted squash & broccoli, quinoa – 12
S: Popcorn – 4

 

Gym Clothes Review

Ok, so I’m really picky about gym clothes. I want them cheap, I want them cute, and I want them comfortable. Must meet all three requirements. I hate, let me repeat HATE, going to the gym in old ratty t-shirts. Faded pants. Whatever you have it. Hate it. This is not to say I haven’t worn those items to the gym, but I feel awful. And isn’t the biggest and hardest part of working out finding the motivation to do it? Why would I be motivated to put that crap on!?

So, I made it my mission when I decided to recommit to my weight loss that I needed to find decent work out clothes. But again, they MUST meet the tripe C requirements: Cheap, Cute, Comfortable. That’s when I took the advise of my fellow weight watcher ladies and headed to Old Navy to find just the thing. And I did!

I have some workout clothes from Old Navy already. And for the most part I used to love them. But since I’ve gained weight I am not such a fan of them. I have several pairs of their fold over style of yoga pants. And since I’ve packed on a few pounds they are more a “fold under” style at the moment. Totally bulky and uncomfortable. So I tried their compression line of workout clothes. The best part, Old Navy’s website sells their pants, even their Active line, in talls. This is much needed for a girl of my height. So I bought myself 5 pairs of pants. With matching tops. And sports bras. (What?! Don’t judge me.) And the best part, everything on the website was one sale!

When they finally arrived I was so stinkin’ excited. So cute. I love how the pants are tighter and stop the jiggle. And my shirts are flowy but not too loose. The sports bras, perfect amount of support for the workouts I’m doing, however, I would not recommend these bad boys for running or Zumba. And even better yet, they are comfortable. I feel confident in them.

My only complaint, which I’ve since figured out, is that when I first put them on I could not make them stay up. For the life of me they kept falling down. I don’t think I had them up far enough. Since that day I haven’t started to pull them up higher, like old lady style around my belly button (maybe the torso is longer because they’re talls? I don’t know.). I’ve also stopped wearing undies with them. Yeah, sorry, TMI there. But I found that the biggest issue was it was my UNDIES falling down and bringing the pants with them. So, undies had to go.

Overall, totally in love with these bad boys. They meet my Triple C requirements. I feel good in them. And I actually look forward to putting them on. Which is the biggest part of working out. For me at least.

 

The opinions expressed in this blog post are 100% mine. I was not contacted or paid by Old Navy to review their products. I received nothing in exchange for my review. I just really like them that much.

Let’s talk about T25

T25

For reals yo, this izz is hard!

Ok, I lie, I lie. It’s not “hard”. I can do the moves. But goodness you move constantly. A lot. You change what you’re doing often. I start off doing pretty good and by the end I’m doing the modified version of some things. The only thing I have found I’m not capable of doing is a burpee. And no, it’s not because I hate them so much, even though I do. They make me dizzy. But my goal with Week 1 is to be able to fully do it before I move on to Week 2. So, I may be here a while. But at least I’m moving, and working out, and burning calories. (And hopefully kicking my coworker’s butt in our weight loss competition!!)

I started the program last night. I managed to burn 430 calories on Wk1D1. This morning I got up early and did Wk1D2. I burnt 370 calories. Loving this. That’s 7APs in 2 days! That’s great for me. Esp when it’s only just 30 minutes of my day. And I am POURING sweat! I don’t normally sweat when I work out, I glisten. No, but really though, I don’t sweat that much. I get “sticky” where I’ve sweat a little. With this bad boy I am d.r.i.p.p.i.n.g It’s gross. Yuck.

That being said, I’m loving it & can’t wait to do it again tomorrow. Ok, I can totally wait to do it tomorrow morning because it requires me waking up at 6am, but I feel good after I do it.

Today’s Menu:

B: Quest bar, cantaloupe, coffee – 4
S: Greek yogurt – 3
L: Ham sandwich, GG potato & mixed vegetables, apple – 7
S: Cheese stick, veggies & dip – 3
D: Baked chicken, quinoa, collards, & green beans (most likely) – 10
S: Popcorn – 4

I seriously still have 7pts left with this menu. I have no clue what I’ll have to fill up those points. Maybe I’ll stop at the store & get something sweet for after dinner tonight.